Motherhood: A Boot Camp in Surrendering (May 2023)
I have been thinking a lot about the practice of surrender. Why would I want to practice this? Because, what I have been taught to do over my career; control, plan, multi-task, drive through it; is not working.
Since being laid off last October, I have repeatedly faced brand new situations and challenges, all of which I have no control over. And heck, who am I kidding, the last 3 years have been brand new for all of us - COVID, remote work, upheaval in the world, returning to “normal”, etc.
I am practicing surrendering to what is and trusting that all is and will be well, instead of worrying about what might happen, but I have some serious resistance to the word surrender.
Every time I think of this word, I get an image in my head of a picture from my 5th grade history textbook, showing a defeated-looking soldier raising a white flag to surrender to his enemy. This picture in my mind symbolizes losing. When I lose, the other side wins. When the other side wins, they prioritize what they value and everything I value gets stomped on.
Now is this absolutely true? No.
Are these the underlying limiting beliefs that I have tied to the idea of surrender? Yes.
So how do I move from controlling to surrendering? I have found that looking back at my life and recognizing what I have already grown through is a good starting point.
As I celebrated Mother’s Day last Sunday, I looked back on the almost 16 years that I have been a mom, and there is a lot of wisdom for me to remember and apply to today:
When I had my first baby - every single experience was new and I had a delicate life in my care - it was terrifying! And the first time that he woke up sick, I was worried, but I did what I could to comfort him and help him heal. And through time, I got to know him better and I learned how he looked when he was really sick and how he looked when he was just tired and needed some sleep. I learned about him and learned to trust that I knew him. This surrender to presence, learning and trusting allowed me to navigate the unknown with more confidence and ease.
The first time that my child came home crying from school because someone was mean to him, I felt like my heart was breaking. I wanted to say “that kid is an a$$” (and maybe sometimes I did?), but the bigger learning was to pause, be present with him, listen, ask questions and see what he really needed. Sometimes he needed to be hugged and unconditionally loved. Sometimes he needed to own his actions as a co-creator in the incident and go back and apologize. Either way, I couldn’t follow a controlled script - I needed to surrender to each individual experience and be in it with him.
The transition I’m currently in is from a mother of little boys to a mother of teenagers - and it has been harder for me than I thought it would be. I was confident that I was a REALLY GOOD mom to my boys and after navigating lots of experiences with them, I felt like I was a boy mom pro. Then they got older and needed longer leashes and more freedom to shine or stumble and learn. And you know what - I am back to being a beginner. On a daily basis I am flexing in and out of being overly controlling to being overly permissive. The pendulum is swinging to each extreme as I am learning. And as I surrender to presence, listening and practicing curiosity - both about myself and my young men - I will gain confidence in being a mom to teenagers. And then they will be men, and I will need to start all over again.
These little snippets of my life as a mom are reminders that I do know how to surrender.
And when I have surrendered, I have learned new things and what was meant to be has shown up and ALWAYS served me better than what I might have designed in my controlling mind.
Having control has and will always be an illusion. The most I can do in each moment, is to meet it with presence, curiosity and an open heart.